The Expert Guide to Taking Control of Your Emotions

The Expert Guide to Taking Control of Your Emotions

In the quest to better manage our emotional lives, we often find ourselves stuck, unsure of how to deal with difficult feelings like anger, sadness, or anxiety. It’s common to assume that negative emotions should be avoided, or even suppressed, for the sake of happiness. However, renowned psychologist Ethan Kross, a professor at the University of Michigan and the director of the Emotion and Self-Control Laboratory, argues against this conventional thinking. In his book Shift: How to Manage Your Emotions So They Don’t Manage You, Kross offers a profound new perspective on emotional regulation, one that encourages us to embrace, not reject, all emotions—both positive and negative.

From a young age, Kross was fascinated by how people handle their emotions. As a child, he observed what seemed like a chaotic and ineffective way of managing feelings. “It seemed as if we were all just stumbling along, occasionally finding an accidental or Band-Aid solution to help us manage our emotional lives,” he recalls. This frustration sparked a lifelong journey to understand and develop better tools for emotional regulation—tools that are accessible and effective for everyone.

Through his research and expertise, Kross has identified a series of strategies, or “shifters,” that can significantly improve emotional wellbeing. His goal is to help people move beyond common misconceptions and empower them to take control of their emotional experiences.

The Myth of “Good” and “Bad” Emotions

One of the most pervasive misconceptions about emotions is the idea that some feelings are inherently “good” while others are “bad.” In the modern world, many strive to live a life free from negative emotions, often associating feelings like anger, sadness, or fear with weakness or failure. Kross challenges this oversimplified view of emotions, arguing that every emotion, including negative ones, evolved for a reason and serves a purpose.

For example, anger can motivate us to correct an injustice, sadness encourages introspection and helps us process changes in our lives, and envy can drive us to pursue our goals. The key, Kross emphasizes, is not to eliminate these emotions but to keep them in balance. In the right proportions, all emotions are useful and can be constructive.

He draws an interesting parallel to physical pain to further explain his point. While physical pain is often considered a negative experience, it is essential for survival. People who cannot feel physical pain—due to a rare genetic condition—are more likely to suffer severe injuries because they lack the warning signal that pain provides. The same principle applies to emotional pain. Without the ability to experience negative emotions, we would lack the internal guidance needed to navigate challenges, change, and personal growth.

Emotional Regulation: The Power of Choice

Another common belief is that emotions are beyond our control. Kross notes that while we cannot always control the immediate emotional reactions that occur when something triggers us, we do have the power to decide how we respond to those emotions. It is in this realm of response that emotional regulation comes into play.

For instance, when feeling angered or upset, people often assume they must act on their emotions right away. However, Kross emphasizes that one of the first steps to emotional regulation is recognizing that we don’t have to react impulsively. Instead, we can choose how we engage with those emotions. The act of choosing helps to prevent emotions from dictating our behavior and influencing our decisions negatively.

Kross provides several strategies that can help us harness our emotions instead of letting them control us. One such tool is using “shifters”—activities or techniques that help change our emotional state. Listening to music, for example, is an underutilized tool that can significantly shift one's mood. Although people often listen to music to enhance their emotions when they are feeling happy, Kross points out that few people turn to music when they are feeling angry, sad, or anxious. The right song can act as a powerful tool to alter emotional states, helping individuals feel more grounded, calm, or even energized.

Creating Emotional Oases: The Importance of Environment

Our physical surroundings also play a crucial role in regulating emotions. Just as a vacation or a weekend getaway can provide a temporary emotional boost, Kross suggests that we can curate our everyday environment to create “emotional oases.” These are spaces that hold positive associations, allowing us to feel more at ease and emotionally balanced.

Kross shares his personal experience of having several “safe spaces” in his life, such as an arboretum near his home and a tea house where he wrote his first book. These places bring him comfort and help him manage his emotions. The idea is not just to find new environments during times of distress but to strategically place ourselves in spaces that evoke positive emotions and calmness, whether it’s a favorite park, a library, or a cozy corner at home.

Moreover, research shows that certain environmental cues—such as green spaces or photos of loved ones—can accelerate emotional healing. For example, exposure to images of loved ones while struggling with a problem has been shown to speed up emotional recovery. Such environmental cues act as subtle reminders of support and connection, helping individuals regain their emotional equilibrium.

The Role of Distraction and Avoidance

Distraction and avoidance are often viewed negatively in emotional regulation, with many believing that ignoring or avoiding emotions is harmful. Kross, however, introduces a nuanced approach to this idea. While chronic avoidance can be detrimental, he suggests that there are moments when distancing oneself from an emotional situation can be incredibly beneficial.

For instance, after a heated argument, it may be more effective to temporarily step away from the problem and immerse oneself in a different activity, such as reading, exercising, or engaging in a hobby. This temporary distraction allows the intensity of emotions to subside, and when the issue is revisited later, the person may find that it no longer feels as significant or distressing. In this way, Kross suggests that a balanced approach—knowing when to confront and when to take a break—can be a powerful tool in managing emotions.

Reframing Social Comparison

In today’s social media-driven world, social comparison has become a constant source of stress. We often find ourselves comparing our achievements, appearances, or lives to others, leading to feelings of inadequacy and envy. Kross acknowledges that comparing ourselves to others is a natural human instinct, but he also provides a strategy for reframing these comparisons to make them constructive rather than harmful.

Rather than seeing someone else’s success as a threat or a source of jealousy, Kross suggests that we can use it as motivation. If someone has achieved something we desire, we can view their success as proof that it’s possible, shifting our mindset from one of competition to one of aspiration. This shift in perspective can help turn social comparison into a positive force for growth.

Personal Strategies for Emotional Control

When Kross faces emotional challenges, he turns to several strategies that have proven effective for him. One technique is distanced self-talk, where he refers to himself by name or in the second person (“you”) to give advice as if he were helping a friend. This practice creates emotional distance, allowing him to think more rationally about the situation.

Another technique is mental time travel, where Kross reflects on how he will feel about the problem in the future, whether that’s in a day, a week, or even months from now. He also looks back at how other difficult situations in his life were ultimately resolved. These reflections help him gain perspective and reduce the emotional intensity of the moment.

When these strategies are not enough, Kross turns to his support network—trusted friends and family members who provide empathy and advice. He also finds solace in nature, taking walks in green spaces or visiting his emotional oases to regain his emotional balance.

Conclusion

Ethan Kross’s book offers a refreshing and practical approach to managing emotions. By recognizing that all emotions have value and that we can choose how to respond to them, we are empowered to navigate life’s emotional ups and downs with greater ease. Kross’s strategies, such as using emotional shifters, curating our environment, and reframing social comparison, provide concrete tools for creating emotional balance and well-being. Ultimately, by becoming more deliberate about how we manage our emotions, we can take charge of our emotional lives instead of letting them take charge of us.